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| I have an urge... |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|07:44 am] |
...to find out who I was. On LJ I began here. It comes full circle now. 5 years pass and so much is different. This is the only journal I've kept sacred. The only identity that did not die. It remains hidden in the back of my mind, waiting to come out, surprise me, embarass me, give me grief, remorse - an obligation and the only key I have left to a life I don't remember much of. I was in Chicago once, twice, a few times. I lived in a few places before then. I have random memories but nothing of substance. Perhaps my life was nothing of substance. Maybe I let it die without me. Maybe I didn't exist and it was a dream. I only wish it so. Eeeeee...I hate myself sometimes.
This thing, it became a persona that led to another and another and another - a wild experiment gone out of control. It ate my psyche whole. I'd like to be melodramatic about it, please bare with me... What I want is to remember how much I made me sick behind facades. I'd like to recall a time that the greatest thing to me was an orgasm followed by money in front of anyone who'd watch. I've done everyting I possibly could to forget about it all until it went away. Now I can't remember and feel as though I was never here on Earth before last week.
Things change, people change, people hate me, I don't know why I cared, I don't know who they are anymore. This thing, it became a persona that led to another and another and another - a wild experiment gone out of control. It ate my psyche whole. I'd like to be melodramatic about it, please bare with me... What I want is to remember how much I made me sick behind facaeds. I'd like to recall a time that the greatest thing to me was a drug, plenty of it, many varieties. Each came with a name and a place, sometimes a few places. I'd like to follow it in front of anyone who'd watch. I've done everything I possibly could to forget about it all until it went away. Now I can't remember and feel as though someone else took my place before we met.
I sit alone, afraid to sift through the box I opened. I can't stand the words I scribbled and ranted with. I'm a nervous wreck at the top of my game. I'm ready to crumble, fall into disarray. I'd do it in front of anyone who'd watch. I guess I like it that way. Sometimes a few places I'd like in front of forgetting (I'd sit and reflect about myself until it went away) those days are over.
I was a hoax, a pirate, a bastard, a self-serving sex industry beurocrat. I can't read myself, nor can I understand where I was. I was a cunt, a criminal, a lonely insecure mess waiting for someone to recognize a genius I could not see. It didn't happen. I didn't happen. I wasn't there. I think I thought I was an artist, a self-made superstar. I was a coward. Maybe I was alone. |
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| IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THIS HOUSE? |
[Jan. 14th, 2003|10:59 pm] |
Today, I've been sitting right here playing with new softwares
MetaSynth is EXACTLY what this doctor has been asking for since he's first encountered music writing. I can take a sound turn it into a PICT [yes a picture] file - then propose to alter it using three dimensional representation of sound wave forms.
3 FUCKING D! I can now place my mind where my hands would be af if I were visually interpreting a dance. I've never seen anything like it before. It certainly freaked my shit! You can create from a fiber so small that once all the lloops are set into motion you are probably somewhere at 1/128th of a 1/128th note! I shit you not! The level of manipulability is far beyond my wildest imagination.
I've been writing all night and couldn't stip until just a few minutes ago but I'm only waiting for my head to start wanting to fantasize playing again and I'm probably going to be up for the next few days playing with this until I figure out how I'm going to use it to write a track.
I feel so - POWERFULand I need to "get off" from it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2003|09:56 am] |
I"m having a cup of good colimbiian roast with my breakfast in the parlor room this morning, I felt like doing something different. Nothing pressing or urgent today other than I have to be interviewed by Style magazine who want to analyze my winter fashion sense and choices in colours.
The maid is still being slow and I'm about to scare her with threatening to report her to INS if she doesn't get the lead-o out-o. Tomorrow night I become royalty at the amplitheatre.
bleah |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2002|07:30 pm] |
i'm so pissed off at the world today!
don't cross my path and oh yeah-
I could spit on your face right from where I am standing with no trouble at all!
oooh - I'm feeling the venom again, like an old friend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2002|06:51 pm] |
does anyone really understand how hard it is to be a gremlin? So misunderstood-
mischeivious knome? no - all wrong, quite intelligent and curious peoples with a wicked sense of humour-
don't lay all your mythical crap on me
MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to eat your circuits because, um... its funny |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2002|06:46 pm] |
Ceven - stay away from the evil stay away from the evil
do not return from whence you came its only a delusion
sit tight, young buck you'll make it through and remember-
the human race is good
the human race is good
the human race is good
you do not want to unleash wrath
they are rare creatures
ignorant, yet rare
you nut! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2002|12:38 am] |
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
chomp...
buwank buwank buwank buwah |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2002|12:36 am] |
neo-machismo arrogant fist fucking lame assedness and bootylicious jerk-offs
these are some of my favourite things |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2002|11:41 pm] |
make in it a birthday cake make me want to make me wait make me believe in fate I hesitate to complicate my squirmy friend is this the end? is this the whole damned thing caving in? I cannot win yet believe in zen I found out what is creeping in this is the end my disjointed friend my only copadre to casual sin - I never win again
yes I'm mourning it and milking it for all its worth yes I'm taking it and staking it for all it hurts yes I'm wallowing as I'm swallowing your rejection, yes I'm feeling like stealing on someone else's affection and I'm not happy so suck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2002|11:41 pm] |
make in it a birthday cake make me want to make me wait make me believe in fate I hesitate to complicate my squirmy friend is this the end? is this the whole damned thing caving in? I cannot win yet believe in zen I found out what is creeping in this is the end my disjointed friend my only copadre to casual sin - I never win again
yes I'm mourning it and milking it for all its worth yes I'm taking it and staking it for all it hurts yes I'm wallowing as I'm swallowing your rejection, yes I'm feeling like stealing on someone else's affection and I'm not happy so suck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2002|01:00 am] |
So now Richard has gone from euro chic to goth princess out of one trip to an ancient dwelling for the despaired. Me? I'm just a garden variety wicker park lesbian - except I eat meat and have less body hair.
Couldn't sleep - went to Big Chicks with Richard where we sat and tore apart every music video that came on. Moby needs to die - we hate him, someone please blow up Moby.
As soon as a good music video came on - they changed the dvd for some more diva house so we left
Richard: [angry and loud throwing on jacket] Lets get the fuck out of here!
I rode on the back of his bike tonight - its the funniest looking bike I've ever seen, surely it will be a huge popular trend three years from now - like skateboards with handlebars are.
While at Big Chicks, a bartender came out of a doorway with a display of potatoe chips, Richard told me to "knock her over and get us some" he must have heard Richard because he offered some to us for free.
We've spent many a night over the last summer terrorizing that bar with our obnoxious behaviour and antics. Now they're used to us - desensitized. I'm over Big Chicks, over sheep like fags, over prety much everything I found so fascinating last summer - looks like Richard is too. Guess we're going to have to terrorize Wicker Park bars and sheep like trendoids. Its harder to though. Last winter Colleen and I were really drunk and tried to get kicked out of the Double Door, we started mock fights, knocked shit all over the place and I spit beer across the bar onto a girl - they still served us.
Richard apparently talks to Colleen via email, I miss her sometimes...
Well it must be time for bed.
-C7 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2002|06:42 pm] |
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Its time to start diversifying funds. Buy into equity, I'm starting to understand it all. I've enjoyed my week of slavery to materialism, now its my turn to do the enslaving. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2002|03:58 am] |
Awake once again, finally at peace - de storm has disapated and the world is a good place -
The Gremlin King returns with a large toothy smile and a never ending curiousity burning to know "What happens if I do - THIS?" The cackle and laughter, secret language voyeurs have their show back and the Gremlin King spares no expense.
Well, if you can't blend in - just enjoy being damned and take it for all its worth. My bretheren, the only truly loyal, I have been down and for that I apologize - human empathy is the curse and defect. I've learned enough to know better now. I've spoken to all the right clans.
We were born without, deprived of education and liberty but the other world - it has its troubles as well, so lets just break stuff instead!
-C7 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2002|03:30 am] |
A major catastrophe of emotions all internal. I spiked my depression with angst tonight, but not of the usual variety. This was more directed at myself. I'd like to see myself fail so that I can have excuses not to try again. I am afterall, flawed and exhiled, contaminated with human empathy and stuck.
Bury the id - forget abot it and what, become nothing more than an insect? Never was one before, so why does it mean so now? I'm estranged and using that for morter - yes I'm burying myself alive, best eaten that way - you get a better rush of adrenaline when its fresh off the bone dripping. I am poisonous and will always remain incapable of human touch, that is my flaw.
Never go home never see ma and pa again, forget who you were and be in the now, a complete pariah living his days in exhile amongst the living human world. Better off with the flesh eaters but its too late for that sort of conviction. Who am I to judge anyway? I like this place, this strange exotic turf running with the wolves even if I am just well disguised, at least the thrill of the pack is something.
I'm nothing, toxic antibiological I don't exist except for the last few months, the rest is a blur even if the memories are in fact real I was never a part of them. This body, it itches to be free from its parasite. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2002|07:07 pm] |
Mind my time my line is my dime
to my friends, ny line is easy my fine wine |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2002|11:09 pm] |
Been not partaking in any tirades lately. The time is getting close however, I can feel it, soon my friends I'll be unleashing pure concentrated evil. Why? Because I'm just done being so good. Its getting me nowhere and everyone here seems to be too jaded to accept any form of happiness without resistance. Science is stupid.
I'm so sick of this good boy routine, yet at the same time I'm not so amused by the notion of returning from whence I came either now. I don't get it. I'm supposed to feel relieved. Maybe it'll just take some time and then when the world least expects it - I'll cross over again, next time however - there will be a few scores to settle, just you wait and see.
This plane of existence bothers me and I'm about finished feeling punished for it, so why am I holding back? I'll tell you but its a secret - I get this feeling in the middle of my chest, sort of a dull aching and my head gets light and I want to touch in a way that I've never operated before. I don't know why, I quit trying to make sense of anything a while ago - people lack reason.
Feels like I'm about to break a few rules soon - just let me get over it and I'll be right back to where I belong.
-C7 |
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witchdoctor's journal